it’s a battle I don’t know that I can win
but I have to give myself credit for fighting it
all the same, knowing the outcome may never be
what I want, I hang onto the hope that something
will finally click into place.
Put down my gun and stare into the face of
Finality with a smile on my face.
For now I just don’t accept defeat.
I think it’s because to get through this
One I’ve got to be a little crazy.
And only the crazy fight this hard for
The little piece of reality they truly desire
And maybe the piece of reality we all have
My fight is a mind to mind combat with my
My own faith and understanding of God.
It is not to say that I battle with belief..
I battle with acknowledgement of my belief.
In this crucially critical world I find myself
Almost embarrassed about admitting
My Christianity, my race against the
Truth of faith, my near life experience with
Jesus and the never ending desire to hide my grief
And my joy as it begins and ends with
What happens in my soul.
I am ashamed of myself.
Shamed by the fact that I feel the need
To discount who I am to not be looked
At as a lunatic, as a born again or as
Some kind of religious fanatic.
I see myself as being someone very in touch
With my God. I understand things on the level
I trust I am suppose to understand them on..
Not to say I don’t fight those things as well..
I fight those battles in a different forum.
I can scream yell and rage at the unfairness
And the confusing status of being a human being and
Not being someone God has to explain himself too..
I fight with the god I love
And he turns a blind eye and allows me the room to
Rant while he moves his hand from my head to
My back with a comforting push forward..
I am charmed by God’s perceived indifference
The same as a child is with a busy father who
Stands in the back of the room during your school play..
You think he didn’t show
Until he reminds you of what color shoes you wore that day.
I trust my Father, believe in him and trust him…
It’s not is fault..
Its this person that I think I have to be
For the rest of the world.
The one who bows her head to the dissidence
Caused by the non believer..
Afraid to tell them that once I too was
A broken person, I also felt like it was absurd and
Insane to believe in something that had never proven
Itself real to me.
I thought all those things they think, I saw all those
Things they saw…
I know where they are and in that knowledge I also know
The secret they harbor..
The one that is desperate, seeking.
You want to believe. You want to reach out and have
Something more than darkness.
But the fear binds you so tight, the unfairness of the world
Becomes more than you can stand and you just refuse
To accept because the truth of God
Means something even more tragic than you could
Have ever imagined..
That you have to be a better stronger person.
You see, there is a freedom in not allowing yourself to
Believe. There is a nothing to answer to or answer for.
You can chalk the world up to disaster and walk away.
Once you open your eyes to faith
You start to see the things you didn’t want to see
And it will break your heart
It may even break your sould.
But I want to plead with them to let go
And humble themselves before God and know
That you are the lamb..
The 100th lamb that Jesus did seek and carry home
On his shoulders.
So why is my tongue stilled and my eyes diverted
While my heart hurts and my mind races?
Because I don’t want to be made fun of
I don’t want to be belittled and joked about…
I fear the rejection and the humiliations I might
Endure if I speak the truth.
I worry about the changing opinions of those I know.
I am consume by the image they believe and the person I am
Because even those closest to me often suspect one thing
While another is the truth.
I have always been such a coward.
Afraid to speak up when it was desperate.
Terrified of conflict and confrontation…
What if I am held up againsrt the light?
What if they ask me questions I can’t answer?
What is they ask me about things I cant explain?
I cannot quote the scripture, I cannot tell you everything Jesus did,
I cannot explain Noah’s ark or water into wine .. wine from blood..
I cannot answer for Christianity.
I don’t want to be seen as another blind follower of something,
The sad truth is that I am not another blind follower.
I am simply a coward in the face of others lack of faith.
I suppose the truth is that you have to be a little crazy to
Believe in anything with all your heart and soul.
You have to be a little crazy to trust that the truth is not
Always in scientific facts.
I am afraid of them calling me crazy…..
But my eyes water and my voice chokes at least once
Every Sunday as I sit in that church and I understand
That my fears and my cowardly acts are not only
Forgiven but accepted, embraced…
I am not the Judas I often brand myself to be…
I am not the jesus I think I have to be…
I am just His child.
He will love me through my bravery and my fears.
He will wait patiently at my side as I move through these
Things and grow confident in my own voice.
Because He made a little crazy
so that I fight another day...